How I Spent My President’s Day

While I’m still unsure as to what we’re celebrating on President’s Day, I took the opportunity to celebrate the holiday in a manner that was befitting a President: drinking beer with my stupid roommate. We met his girlfriend and one of her slutty friends at a dive bar that was walking distance from our place.

Here’s how the night went:

Beers 1-3
My roommate keeps telling me that his girlfriend’s friend is interested in me and is normally “good to go”. This mean’s she was 4’11”, top-heavy, athletic and as most importantly Horny.

Beers 3-6
Girlfriend’s friend and I have isolated from the group and start the semi-drunk inappropriate questioning portion of my pick-up game.

Beer 7 – Me: Do you want to get out of here? Her: Yes – we can go to my place

The walk to her home was about 12 minutes long and I thought hiding my boner was going to be my only obstacle. About 2 minutes into the walk, my stomach started gurgling. As we were outside and the city noise was loud enough, I decided to gamble and let one go. One quickly turned to four and hot farts had consumed me. We reached her house and I had hoped that my flatulent past was behind me (get it? farts behind).

Once inside, I gots busy immediately.

Things were going fine and not to overshare but it was during a thrust that I heard a squeaker. This was followed by a shooting gas pain that resulted in me making a noise that should never be made during intercourse. She didn’t acknowledge it and I certainly didn’t so I kept going. At this point, my stomach was ready to drop and it was a race to finish line. In my head, I concocted a plan of finishing quickly and dashing to the bathroom (all done without being a weirdo).

In between horrid gas pains and athletic sex, I finally finished and told her that I would get some Kleenex as a gentleman who just farted 29 times during sex does. I scooped up my clothes in the dark, ran to the bathroom and turned on every source of water in there to create some background noise. What happens next can best be described as two bottles of YooHoo being dumped in the toilet.

After that, I get dressed and come out of the bathroom thinking that I may actually have pulled this off. Out of nowhere, a woman who I can only guess is her roommate randomly appears and asks “Did you just take a shower in my bathroom?” (with a puzzled/pissed look on her face) I laugh uncomfortably and say no then blow by her towards the front door. I look back and saw her walk into the bathroom and can only imagine what it smelled like — a cloud of hot farts.

I make it back to my house, stumble into bed and awake to my roommate standing over me saying: Dude – did you pull A Shit & Run last night?

My response in my best Tricky Dick Nixon impression: I am not a crook

Names & places have been changed to protect the innocent & embarrassed.


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