Cockblocked By My Love For Buffalo Wings

So I woke up today naked on the couch with my arms crossed like a vampire & buffalo wing sauce all over my face & hands. Yes I had a good time last night and no I did not need to eat Buffalo Wings at 3 am. That said, it reminded me of a summer when I decided to stay on campus and take some joke summer courses. I heard it was an easy way to get ahead on credits and make the regular semester schedule more drinking-friendly. I expected some easy classes, some access to on-campus arse and several blackouts. What I did not expect was to meet an Asian piece of ass named Joy. She was part of an exchange program, spoke very little english and would become my Karate Kid’s Kumiko. We were in a class together and while I was normally hungover and slumping in my chair, she was attentive and lost by the speed of the droning professor. We started talking on the walk back to our dorms and while her face was not hot hot, her body was. As she was living in the dorm next to mine, we eventually started walking to and from class each morning. There was little conversation as I am retarded and she would just smile as if she knew I was retarded and was amused by my Corky Thatcher charm.

After a week, I invited her over to have drinks in my lava lamped cracker box of a room and to my surprise, she accepted. I played the music loud so we would not have to talk and engaged her in a little game of one-to-one caps. For those of you not familiar with the game, two red plastic cups are filled with one can of cheap beer and placed 6 feet apart. People sit next to the cups and attempt to successfully toss a bottle cap into the beer-filled cup. When a cap lands in your cup, you must slam the contents. Now as a champion cap player, you may say I am a scumbag for bringing in a novice but I’ll let you know that this bitch was a ringer. Game 1 went to me 7-4. Games 2 & 3 went to her 7-5 and 8-6. Some quick math will tell you we were both fucking wasted and as a {} hound, I seized the opportunity to pull my best Daniel Larusso move on Kumiko. She accepted and we did some sexytime.

This turned into a regular thing and eventually into the “show up at 2 am wasted for some Chinese Food” booty call. It was all going so well unto I got hammered and ate about 17 buffalo wings. I then stumbled up to her room and knocked on the door. She opened it, screamed and quickly slammed the door in my face. At first I thought she was kidding and waited for her to open it. I waited for what I thought was an eternity but in drunk minutes was probably 1-2 the screamed “Fuck You I’m leaving if you don’t open in 3…2…1….Fuck You” and left. (yes I know she didn’t speak English so my 3,2,1 game was for naught but remember I am retarded.

I somehow made it back to my place and after a lengthy piss went over to the sink. To my surprise, the mirror showed me the face that scared Kumiko so and it was covered with toxic orange buffalo wing sauce. From ear to ear and all over the front of my shirt, it looked liked I had just killed someone and smeared their blood all over my face.

I saw her the next day but she was still spooked and decided to cut me off from late night rub & tugs.

Call me old-fashioned but years later, I still choose cheap beer & eat Buffalo over Chinese food.

Should've Been My Wedding Photo

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