A Douche Bags Guide To Buying Rubbers

The only thing I hate more than wearing rubbers is getting AIDS and the only thing I hate more than that is watching douche bags buy rubbers. From the shy guy who buys a candy bar and then sneaks in the condom purchase to the guy who wants the whole store to know that he is finally getting laid, I hate them all. Now I realize that depending on time of day, location of where you buy them and the places with too wide of a selection, buying rubbers can be viewed as a stressful experience. That’s why I’ve come up with the following douche-proof system and hope those dbags who really need the help are able to read.

Make Your Choice Solely By The identity of the Cashier

If it’s a woman under 30 buy 3 packages of Magnums – say nothing to her but be sure to give her a shit-eating grin as you pay with a $100 bill. Be careful though as you will probably get laid in the parking lot so be sure to bang the cashier with no rubber or else you’ll look like a douche when the Magnum doesn’t exactly fit your little dinkie.

If it’s a woman over 30 buy 1 package of Ribbed ones. These condoms are textured with ribs or bumps, which can increase sensation for both partners which says you care about her and only 1 package means you are not a man whore.

If it’s a man over 30 – ask him what he suggests and then be silent. He’s gonna get very red then start lying. He’ll eventually give you some Trojans because they are the one’s people buy most.


If it’s a man under 30 buy 5 packages and ask the guy – “what are the thinnest rubbers you sell” and then tell him to keep the change – this way he feels like a dick for not getting laid and for being tipped.

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