Second only to New Year’s Eve, St. Patrick’s Day is a holiday where public intoxication is allowed, accepted and in some cities encouraged. Irish or not, most people head to the closest bar, drink, fight, hook-up, act stupid and ultimately end up puking on themselves.
With that in mind, here are a few tips to having a great St. Patrick’s Day.
10. Don’t Cockblock The Red-Headed Dude – it’s the only day of the year this carrot ass is semi-cool and has a chance of getting laid. Let the leprechaun fuck have his day in the sun
9. Don’t Be The Guy In The Bar Who Shows His Ass – Nobody wants to see it you drunk douche.
8. Don’t wear a stupid buttons that have bullshit “irish” messages on it.
7. Don’t wear any form of extra-large gag-glasses– You look fucking retarded. Like “Sara Palin’s baby” retarded.
6. Don’t get drunk and sing “Irish songs” – You don’t know the words, don’t sound like Bono and screaming the chorus of a Sinead O’Connor song doesn’t count.
5. Don’t try to speak in an Irish accent! Enough said.
4. Don’t have a serious drunk discussion about you Irish ancestry – This is not a real Irish holiday, and no one in Ireland, dead or alive wants to claim your fake-ass as a family member.
3. Don’t carry or wear anything inflatable – Unless you are a really hot girl in which case you can use it to attract a guy that will bang you and then puke on your back in a few hours.
2. Don’t Wear Slutty Irish T-Shirts – If you’re a hot girl, and you’re wearing a “kiss me I’m Irish” t-shirt and then I grab you and lay one on you, you have NO RIGHT TO SLAP ME!!! (my lawyer says I can not comment on this any further)
1. Do NOT drink or claim to like “green beer.”– There is no such thing. It’s food coloring in regular beer you asshole and it’s fucking amateur hour! Grow up!
Happy St. Patrick’s Day Everyone – Hope you all get seriously wasted and score some sex