I have always been a douche. I also have always been a dude and so when a computer first entered by parents home in 199?, my sole objective was to figure out how it could help me wack off. Back then, porn was not so freely available as when I was a kid, I had to search for 4 days through wind, snow and rain just to see some tit. Then I discovered AOL chat. I can remember the first night when I created a fake name and would randomly join chat rooms being the biggest douche bag you could imagine. Remember the guy who would curse, type nonsensical sayings over and over and over again so no one else could “speak” – yeah that was me. Then someone asked me to go into a private chat. Intrigued, I accepted and went onto have a 45 minute discussion with a random stranger – no sex talk just where are you from, how old are you and what is your life like.
She was from Hawaii, married with 2 young kids and in late thirties. Translation: MILF
I was from NY, 13 and had a raging boner but told her I was 49, divorced and wealthy. Translation: Virgin
I’ll never forget the moment the conversation turned in my favor as she said something along the lines of “my husband is sleeping and would kill me if he knew I was still on the computer”
If I had to guess how the rest of the conversation played out, it would be as follows:
Me: What are you wearing?
Ms Hawaii: You’re bad
Me: No serious
Ms Hawaii: Not much
Me: I now have a monster boner
Ms Hawaii: I bet your balls are hanging loose bra!
Me: I just dropped a batch of poi on my stomach
Ms Hawaii: A hui hou
Ok, ok you get the picture
NOTE: Before you start being a douche, I now know that this was probably a dude who knew I was 13 based on my poor vocabulary so fuck you as I beat you to it.