New Workplace Epidemic – Sideshitting

The estimated average work week is 40 hours with most of us spending 50+ at the office. While breakfast and dinner are often consumed at home, lunch is typically eaten on site. The result of this intake of food is the voiding of the bladder and intestines using workplace facilities. While I cannot speak to the female experience, I can say that the Men’s bathroom can be an unpleasant place both in smell and social interaction (and not in a Larry Craig way). One major problem that needs some serious HR attention is the issue of Sideshitting. For those not familiar with the term, it’s the social faux pas of deciding to move your bowels in an empty stall where the neighboring stall is being occupied. While its not directly shitting on your neighbor’s shoe, its pretty darn close. It’s one thing to select an empty stall when there is no other option but deciding to “oblviously” shit in a stall when there are other unoccupied options is plain wrong and should be punishable by law. For example, my work bathroom has 3 stalls (A,B & C). When all 3 are available, I will typically choose the Cadillac stall (handicap) as there is more room to stretch out, hang my jacket and simply relax. This leaves 2 open, working stalls for the rest of the staff. While I have not formally collected any data, I would estimate that 1 out of 3 times, some a-hole will come in and sideshit me. I will see his sneakers, his newspaper, hear his grunts (only a Neanderthal man would make these noises in public) and immediately hate them. I know I am not alone and as a result, I would like to ask these Douche bags to comply to the following rules:

New Rules for Workplace Sideshitting:
(I suggest printing this and hanging in your bathroom)

Think About The Audio – If I can hear a splash from your poop, you’re too close. Let alone a gross poop explosion – back away slowly and wait until you are alone.

Look Before You Poop – when you look to see if anyone is in the stall, please check the ones on each side before making a final selection.

No grunt zone – I get it, you are having troubles and believe me I’ve been there. However, if you see my F’n shoes next to you, let’s make an attempt at a silent grunt or a good silent push – I know you can do it.

Come back when the Caddy is open – Some guys like to sit and read the paper and make it a 1/2 experience. If you are one of these idiots, can you please wait until the coast in clear and come back when the coast is clear.

Out the Offenders – I made a “Beware of White Sneakers” sign and hung it on the bathroom mirror as this one guy (who always wears white sneakers) was a notorious repeat offender. Sure, he went to HR & learned later that he had IBS but that does not give him the right to ruin my shits.

Bathroom Graffiti – Grab your sharpie and write the following message on the inside of the stall – “STOP SIDESHITTING PEOPLE – WE ALL KNOW ITS YOU AND PEOPLE ARE TALKING”

I’m not sure if the ladies have this problem but I can tell you that everyone I mention this to is as concerned as I am. It’s clearly a growing issue that does not get enough attention and the poop stops here.

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