College Diary – Entry #2: Suck it Mr. Jealous

The following is an email from my retarded younger brother who is in his first year at school – enjoy

Hey A_hole,

I fucking love it – not only do I not want to come home for Christmas, I don’t want to come home ever again. Why didn’t you tell me how awesome going away to school was – probably because you were fat and lazy and didn’t do anything fun. So here are a few highlights for your stupid blog:

1. I’ve banged more whores in one semester here than in my previous 18.5 years of life. A few were even decent – none were sober.

2. I have hot p*ssy on my floor that walks around in bathrobes (to their shower) and they “stop by” to my room repeatedly – you were the only p*ssy that ever walked around the house and knocked on my bedroom door and you were my fat brother.

3. I know its a city but its amazing how easy it is to drink at a bar – I am getting fat like you

4. Next semester I have classes on Tues, 1 hour on Wednesday and all day Thursday – 5 day weekends – suck it

5. I saw your post about the Victoria Secrets Runway show and have news for you – if you still get hard from women in underwear then I feel bad for you as it takes 2 hot whores with triple d boobs in a poorly produced redtube video for me to spring wood – its called internet porn

6. I can go to a bar, pay $10 and drink until I fall into a trash can and when I say trash can, I mean 18 yr-old drunk skank – strictly whiskey dick

Suck it Mr. Jealous

My response:

Dear Stupid,

I am taking your email and making it into a T-shirt for Mom & Dad to wear as they should be proud of what you’ve become. I’ll also make a 2nd one that will be used as a wedding gift for your future husband. Please wear a rubber

Safe travels,
Gossip Girl


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