Predictions For The Cast Of The Jersey Shore

While I am currently obsessed with trainwreck that is The Jersey Shore, I started to think about what they may be doing 6 months from now. Here’s my best guess:

The Situation – He will release an Ed Hardy line of T-shirts, appear on multiple magazine covers including Men’s Health, Cosmo & Playgirl. He will also unknowingly do a PSA for Pubic Crabs thinking it is for seafood.

JWOW – Shockingly (roll eyes) JWOW will be the helpless victim of a “secret” sex tape where she winks at the camera repeatedly, she will get larger breasts and will end up marrying Joe Francis and star in Girls Gone JWild.

DJ Pauly will be arrested on deadbeat dad charges and felony charges of a bad tattoo in public. He wil release a mix tape for Summer 2010 called Get your Jersey On which will make my f’en ears bleed and blood boil.

Snooki will star in a series of Cinemax level softcore films and will win an AVN award in 2010. While I do not like to ever see any woman being the victim of violence of any sort, I have a sneaking suspicion that she might be punched several more times in 2010 – all on film as part of a series of bad ideas by idiot promotional marketing morons that she will likely blow.

Ron will become a UFC fighter for 1 match then retire when he realizes that it is not fake. He will then star in a MTV episode of True Life “I am addicted to steroids & they shrunk my balls”.

Sammy Sweetheart will be arrested on charges of racketeering. It will come out that she has been a long-time informant for the FBI and “went rogue” after finding out that Snooki banged Al Pacino.

Collectively, they will also star in a straight to video remake of The Godfather and peddle all sorts of “Guido” related crap on HSN.

I love them now but am sure that I will hate these douche bags with a fierce passion in less than a month.

PS – I left out Vinny as he is forgettable and we’ll all forget him when he returns home and takes a blue collar respectable job. I also purposely left out Angelina as I think she is a miserable bitch and was hoping she or someone who really knows her would read this with the hope that her feelings would be hurt. As I type this, I am realizing that this show is turning me into a jerkoff like the cast so I better quit before I get out the hairgel.

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3 thoughts on “Predictions For The Cast Of The Jersey Shore

  1. Oh man, I can’t believe you watch that crap. You must be hitting the good shit. But you are right that they are douches and your predictions are funny. I forgive you. This time.

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