Why @RichardWildwood thinks Tiger Needs Jesus on the Bag
No offense to Tiger’s current caddy, Steve Williams, but it’s time to make a switch to Jesus. Sure, Steve might be a savant when it comes to gauging an Augusta cross breeze, but he certainly has no clue how to keep Tiger’s balls out of the “junk” that is the bevy of varnished hussies he’s been connected with over the past couple weeks. And on a quick side note, Tiger, there are whores and then there’s whores you can’t even take to a breakfast buffet the next morning. Everyone knows homely girls get it done, but for fuck sake, man! One of those women resembles a Cambodian lady-boy post an unlicensed transgender operation.
Back to the matter at hand, or recommendation at hand rather. Tiger and Jesus, Jesus and Tiger. Two brands in dire need of a little TLC at the moment. What Tiger did for golf he can do again for Jesus – i.e., igniting mainstream relevancy worldwide. Jesus on the other hand can do for Tiger what he’s done forever – make redeeming stars out of the men who’s transgressions include wife beating, dog murder, drug abuse, sexual assault, and more often than not, a combination of each activity at once. By simply echoing the ultimate endorsement, “I never could’ve done it without Jesus,” men like Michael Irvin, Kobe Bryant, Michael Vick and soon, Tiger Woods, are able to go from nefarious miscreants to treasured public figures who’s misgivings make them more human, relatable and ultimately marketable.
Not even the finest legal advisers, PR flacks and marriage counselors can do for Tiger what a Holy injection of Jesus juice can do. If Tiger’s having trouble finding his passion for Christ, allow me to provide a few brief case studies to help demonstrate the sheer power of partnering with Jesus.
Michael Irvin is a man who at one point during his epic cycle of dumbfuckery, actually offered coke to a small child from the window of his limo. Then, much like one of his gnawing, anxiety-fueled blow hangovers, the power of Jesus began to course through Michael’s veins. In fact, Jesus had been there all along and snorting and banging whores was the “ultimate journey” he HAD to go on to test his character and faith. End result, Michael Irvin has become more popular and widely exposed now than he ever was in the past. He’s had network TV gigs, appeared in major motion pictures, once playing a convicted criminal just in case you needed some dumb fucking irony to help capture the point. The lesson here for Tiger and America’s youth: if you’re famous and chose coke over kool-aid just go with God and all is good.
If it’s a quick and clean case of Christ inspired redemption you’re after, look no further than the Black Mamba himself. I know what you’re thinking – did Kobe get that nickname before or after he was acquitted of rape. And furthermore, did that even matter at all to Nike when they began marketing him as such? In retrospect, it really only feels like it took all 5 minutes for Kobe to deal with the legal issues, publically admit to adultery, present a $4 million ring to his wife, win a Shaq-less title and suddenly be on top again with the #1 selling NBA jersey. How did it all happen so quickly – and to a superstar most of the country already viewed as an asshole? Answer: Just Jesus being Jesus. At the very heart of the Jesus/Kobe alliance was that $4 million ring for Vanessa Bryant. You see Jesus knew that the ring presentation would provide the ideal stage for announcing their partnership. That day, Kobe’s wife got a ring and still came out a loser, while Jesus was serviced with a glowing endorsement that provided Kobe what the pros call “the Jesus jumpstart.” The rest is History still in the making.
Finally, let’s examine an athlete in the midst of an ongoing Jesus makeover, Michael Vick. Vick funded the rape and murder of dogs for sport. A little jail n’ Jesus and he’s back in the ATL scoring two touchdowns in a win against the team that promoted his vilification. Compared to Vick and his penchant for canine genocide, Tiger sewing his married oats through a collection of scattered whore-ass seems relatively vanilla. Moreover, if Vick can go from the prison chapel to the end zone by tag-teaming the clean life with Jesus, just imagine what Tiger could do with the son of God on his bag this season. Not only would he be ushered back into the arms of mainstream America, he’d actually still have a chance to be our Nation’s President.
I’d say the case for a Jesus/Tiger mash–up is an easy one. Tiger, don’t waste the world’s time apologizing for behavior that’s none of our business in the first place. Rather, go with God publicly and let America go back to loving you and plotting the destruction of the next celebrity that reminds them of just how pathetically mundane their lives truly are. And for all you soulless, sports radio jock-sniffers and undersexed women demanding an apologetic press conference from Eldrick Tiger Woods, never forget a valuable lesson from Christ himself: “Just because you’re loud doesn’t mean you’re right.”