Celebrity guest post from a real douche Richard Wildwood – Cultural commentator, person of interest and enabler. Follow him @ twitter.com/RichardWildwood.
From time to time I encounter little moments in life that remind me just how much of a chubby-douche I was in middle school. A few examples include fat kids, 7-11, skaters, and that asshole Colton Willet who experienced full puberty at age 12 – 8th grade girls used to pay a buck to see his junk. However a quick read through the newspaper recently really hit home, stirring all those shitty memories of me building a fort by myself and hiding fruit roll-ups from the imaginary friends whom I convinced my mom had helped me build the plywood shit stack in the first place.
What I discovered in the pages between an article on swine flu and a Chris Brown’s highly anticipated self defense book was a story on a new game being played by all the middle schoolers called “snap” using the 80’s-era jelly bracelets. Here’s how it’s played. Boys and girls wear a collection of multi-colored jelly bracelets that each stand for a different sexual act they’ve either already preformed, or are willing to perform. Green is a make out, blue is a BJ, purple is an HJ, yellow is dry-doing-it and brown is…well you can figure out brown on your own. Then, as the kids are congregating in the hallways, lunchrooms and playgrounds, they try and “snap” the bracelets off each other. If the bracelet is successfully “snapped,” then the snapper and the snappee have to perform the corresponding sexual act. Take a minute to pause on just how brilliant that is. Can you think of a better way for tween kids to discover their sexuality than this?
Had “snap” been accessible to me all those years ago, then I wouldn’t have had to stage an elaborate knife-fight of passion with Hector (imaginary) over the love of one Kelly Winslow (not imaginary). Instead of pretending to consummate our love in front of Hector on the fruit roll-up wrapper strewn floor of my shitty fort, I could have snapped her bracelet, made out with her and proven just how not chubby and awesome I really was. Fuck Colton and his man-like private area! Those attributes mean absolutely nothing to the participants of “snap.” The point being that for those less gifted middle schoolers who’s physical challenges keep them from getting any action beyond honing one’s masturbation techniques, “snap” is a godsend.
Sadly, as the article concluded I soon discovered that “snap” had drawn the ire of parents reluctant to have their kids sexual experimentation so well organized. All these forward thinking kids did was add a little structure to getting past first, second and third base, as well as eliminating the pointless foreplay which is a quick way to get busted before you ever have a chance to start. And for that, their jelly bracelets have been prohibited from school campus, punishable by expulsion on the spot. I suppose letting them continue to idolize a 15-year old actress from Gossip Girl that dresses like the Sunset hooker from the 70’s is a far healthier pastime. Better they damage their fragile self image for life that gain any sort of self worth from having succeeded in giving or receiving oral sex before entering high school. Now that’s some street cred.