Celebrity guest post from a real douche Richard Wildwood – Cultural commentator, person of interest and enabler. Follow him @ twitter.com/RichardWildwood.
So here we are, Cali. Arnold’s closing state parks like the political joy killer he truly is, 50,000 prison inmates are being released back into the wild, and to top it all off bear hunting season is open statewide. I’m more of a glass half full of Jameson kinda guy, but this forecast shows a shit-storm on the horizon for the sunshine state. Compounding the news is the fuckshow that is the California economy (the 8th largest in the world), and the nearly half a million homeless, so we’ll have to take that into account too. Big picture – Cali needs some cash.
I realize that sounds awfully grim but my “sponsor” has urged me to view issues through a more “solutions-oriented” lens, so that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Here’s my proposal: The State of California legalizes “The Most Dangerous Game” as a driver of tax revenue and a productive activity for those ex-cons and homeless not quite thrilled with society’s gifts of judgment and poverty. For those not familiar with “The Most Dangerous Game” it’s the act of hunting humans for sport made famous by Richard Connell’s 1920’s-era short story of the same name. At first glance, I’m sure this sounds a little gnarly for most, but we’ve already greenlit bear hunting so…
Breaking it down further, this is how I see it all unfolding. The “playing field” is one of the 80-some State parks the Govenator plans on leveling. The “hunted” are any willing and able homeless and/or ex-con “in it to win it” for a huge payday (5% of the permit should they survive), the title of park ranger, and/or a “spokesperson” gig at one of the global brands we get to sponsor this bad boy. The downside for the “hunted” is death, but losing is never easy – just ask Michael Vick. Nope too late, he’s a winner again.
The “hunters” in the game are the nouveau elite, trustafarians and/or any insecure multi-millionaire that can easily afford a person-killing permit fee of $2 – $5 million a pop (we have a price range because lets face it – some of the “hunted” will be of a feistier breed than others). Since they’ll never experience the thrill of accomplishing something outside the realm of inherited wealth, killing a man will undoubtedly satisfy a very primal desire for the “hunters.” There would of course be a catch just to shake it up a bit. If the “hunted” so chooses to become the “hunter” and turn the tables on their pursuers the reward changes slightly. In this situation, success is defined by eliminating your pursuers, which in turn buys a ticket back to San Quentin’s Gray-Bar Hotel – and for many that’s a welcome reward.
Under the proposed, I see a lot of win, win and more win for the lovely State of California. Just imagine if we sell 20 permits a year at $2.5 million per then BOOM, there’s $50 mil is tax revenue right there. I know what you’re thinking. How could I trivialize human life like that? Well, what’s worse – losing your dignity or losing your life. Some would argue they’re one in the same. Maybe we should ask the bears.