A BiPolar Love Affair With Fall & Sports

From the DBJ Sports Editor Angry Donny Bagley reporting live from a beer cooler in Go Fuck Yourself, CA – check out his regular sports column in our Sports section http://bit.ly/18s0Ua

noreno

What an amazing time of year this is. The heat of the Summer has passed and the first few days of Fall are here. The Baseball playoffs are about right around the corner and FOOTBALL IS BACK!!!!!!!! Yup, the weekends now brim with excitement, filled with non-stop sports action. These are the days we men dream of and there are now reasons aplenty not to do that bullshit yard work you have been “meaning” to do. This is the time of the year when a true sports fan can legitimize any (well almost any) action to his significant other. (BTW, you’ll notice I didn’t say “his or her significant other.” Girls don’t watch sports and any ones that do are fucking liars and wanna-be’s. “Both teams helmets look the same” shut the fuck up bitch! We are watching football not Project Runway!

Anyway, I digress. Now that football season is back there are a few ground rules to watching games that family members, friends and wives need to follow. (And lets face it, any wife worth her salt will abide by these rules while also producing at least one unrequested “snack” or “meal” during the game. )

GROUND RULES

1. The question.

It usually come from a loving wife….”How long will the game take?” The answer is…say it with me my friends…..”ALL DAY.”

If the game starts at 4, that does not mean I am “free” up until that point. Everyone knows that any game actually starts at least an hour or two before and finishes at least an hour or two after the “scheduled” time. This is for food preparation (if a serious halftime session of BBQ-ing is gonna take place), talking to your friends about the match-ups, reading online reports about said game. The hour afterwards is for either breaking down the game film from the recorded dvr, or discussing what went right or wrong with your friends. The post-game hour is also for deciding on what game to watch next and how many more beers and or food types you are going to need. (“sorry honey, I will clean the garage tomorrow! { this you say knowing full well tomorrow is Sunday and that its jam packed with more games….woo hoo! }

2. If you are gonna watch……shut the fuck up!
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This goes for girls, kids and friends of yours that just aren’t that knowledgeable about sports. (Yeah you know you have a few of those friends.) These “talkies” as I like to call them say things like “Why are they called the Vikings? “Who are we rooting for?” “That guy runs funny” “What’s an illegal formation?” and continuously butcher peoples names throughout the game.” ) There does not need to be total silence, just know what you are watching and what you are saying. When it is 3rd and 11 on the 24 yard line I do NOT want to start talking about the “club” you went to last night or how “completely unreasonable” it is for your friend to have “borrowed your heels and she hasn’t returned them yet!” SHUT UP! IT’S 3rd and 11 FOR FUCK SAKE!!!!!!!!!

3. Don’t bring a “Friend.” If I invited you over, DO NOT bring some “other” guy or girl to my house. Oh really? This is Kelly from work huh? GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!!!!!! Don’t do that. I don’t care if its your girlfriend, mother, brother, wife, or cousin “who is just in from Seattle for a few days” GET THE FUCK OUT. If you tell me before hand that you would like to bring this person, chances are you will hear….”Okay, well then you probably shouldn’t come at all.”
I don’t want 14 people in my house watching a game, especially if it is MY team that is playing. I would like to hear what’s going on, to be able to pay attention etc. The last thing I need is your “pal” asking me “where the glasses are?” while my team is in the red-zone. If I wanted to watch a game with a shit load of people then I would have gone to the bar to watch wouldn’t I? Yes I would…..so COME ALONE! I will determine how many people are at my house!

4. Jerseys
jerseys

……….Wow. You better either be a DIE-HARD fucking fan, my best friend or it has to be opening day for you to pull this off in my presence. These are the only reasons I would allow you in my house with a jersey on. Either that or you are an incredible rapper and have tons of weed on you. Then you get the leather recliner as well.

5. Fantasy

fant

If you have a fantasy league going……I DONT FUCKING CARE! I don’t want to hear that you are happy “Carolina just scored a field goal” cause you have their kicker. Real men don’t do fantasy sports. Why? Cause we LOVE sports. We don’t need to pretend we are a GM of some “magical land” to enjoy sports. It’s like Lord of the Rings has somehow infiltrated sports. “I have that 4th rate receiver on my team cause he is McNabb’s go-to option 43% of the time on 3rd down.”

I don’t care Nerd!

Just watch the fucking game. Is this not enough entertainment for you? (PS- to all the fucking to assholes who I have seen at sports bars in front of 30 tv’s WITH your fucking laptops so that you can keep track of your 6 fantasy leagues you have with your “buddies” and work “boyfriends” I FUCKING HATE YOU AND HOPE YOU DIE. SERIOUSLY.

6. Follow the rules, don’t suck and enjoy football season!

– Donny Out

PS- If you have made it this far and read my whole article you have learned something and deserve a cookie. (scroll down)

Here is your cookie.

Me like cookies

Me like cookies

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