An Open Letter To The Thug Who Stole Fecal Alf

Dear Sirs/Madam,

I am not angry with you. I know why you did what you did. Who doesn’t love Alf? When he first appeared in my toilet, he looked like a beautiful baby swaddled in Charmin. To say he was a gift would be an insult to gifts. He was more than that. While I am still obviously emotional as I write this, I am willing to forgive and forget. Just please bring him back to me.

As to ensure there are no hard feelings, I am willing to accept his return anonymously. Please feel free to leave him in a bag on my doorstep. I will only ask that you ring the doorbell twice so I know its you. Additionally, its been a bit cold here in NYC so please figure out some way to keep him warm – maybe light the bag on fire or double brown bag it – you can figure it out.

Lost,
Editor of DBJ

PS – I hate you and hope he smears all over your hand, face and body.

alf
Here is a photo of my kid on his first day of school – he’s smiling because I just told him you called and were bringing Alf back

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