How NOT to Get Laid

11 Surefire ways to guarantee she won’t sleep with you. Real advice from an expert in the field.

11. Break wind (an obvious one)

10. Tell her it’s always been your fantasy to sleep with twins but in her case you won’t be tempted because her sister has a bit of a horse face.

9. Tell her there’s something about a girl with a large back end that gets your juices flowing, then wink.

8. Leave the bathroom door open when taking a dump at her apartment, then shoot her a smile when she notices.

7. Tell her you like a confidante woman who doesn’t faint at the sight of blood.

6. Tell her you like the smell of burnt hair and then gently brush a fallen lock from her forehead.

5. Ask her if she likes to run. Then ask her how far it is to her apartment and brag about your marathon achievements.

4. Tell her about the dream you had where she was defecating on your chest while eating a sausage.

3. In an attempt to act sensitive tell her that you like to hang around the park and watch the kids play, then switch the subject and ask her views on anal sex.

2. Puke on her.

And the number one way to guarantee that you won’t get laid:

1. Write an article about 10 of the most revolting ways to turn a girl off. Then show it to her with pride.

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