Who are you and where are you from?
My name is Jason Burke but I have been referred to by many as “what a f*ckin a**hole,” “did you just sh*t on my chest?” and “Sal Paolantonio” I hail from Bristol, Connecticut…where heroin and fast food reign supreme.
What’s the story behind Punching Llamas?
Well first, I figured that if I were to ever physically assault an animal it would have to be a llama. They’re stubborn, they spit at you and one of them killed my little brother at petting zoo in ‘93. Secondly, Caddyshack & Bill Murray are my two favorite things on this planet so it’s a bit of an homage to Carl’s life-changing speech.
What’s your favorite joke?
My own or in general? For a d-bag you sure aren’t very descriptive. Wait, are d-bags generally known for that? Shut up, I hate you. I don’t think I’ve found one joke of mine that I consider a favorite because they’re constantly evolving, but the front-runner involves an authority figure, retribution & rape.
Are you funny ha ha or funny queer?
To the best of my knowledge, I haven’t “slept” with another a man but I couldn’t be any more funny queer than I am right now.
Who are your comedic influences?
I’ve never been the cleanest comic and I’m fairly loud, but I do appreciate a dry sense of humor. Louis CK, Bill Burr, Mitch Hedberg & Todd Barry are a few comedians I try to draw from.
Why are you not a hack?
Don’t put words in my mouth motherfucker.
What’s your top comedic moment?
This would have to be the first time I performed for a crowd of actual people and not just a room full of bitter comics at an open mic. I mean the people didn’t laugh either but at least I got a hand job afterwards. From myself.
Ever bombed on stage?
Have I ever. The first time really isn’t the worst, it’s the first time it happens when you’re drunk that’s the toughest. Because then you get angry. And with anger comes violence and public urination, both happening before you’ve finished your set. True story.
Where can we see you next?
Jason is currently relocating and restructuring his “Punch Your Face! Comedy Series” so stay tuned to www.punchingllamas.com for the latest developments. In the mean time, I can be seen being a hack-schmuck at either the Sunday or Monday night’s Ochi’s Motel @Comix and the ever popular Wednesday night Comedy Show, “Haiku,” located at 76 E 1st St.
Lastly, how much of a raging D-Bag are you?
Hmmm… Well I have allowed, on more than one occasion, many large, african-american men to CONSENSUALLY have their way with the woman of their choosing in my roommate’s bed. While he slept in it. Does that qualify?
We wear our sunglasses at night and have low sperm cell counts
Dear Douche,
Can you please tell me why you are wearing sunglasses inside the bar? It’s not sunny and your not outside. Please know that everyone in here is laughing at you and calling you a total douche. I realize you have a little dick and no balls but the glasses only tells me you are have self-esteem issues and/or have been listening to The Game on audiobook as I know you are “turtle” group reader.
You are not interesting and the Ed Hardy shirt is not helping.
Please consider taking them off as you are ruining my buzz.
Thanks,
The DBJ
PS – Girls – you also are getting close to pissing me off with the size of your dumb glasses – stop trying to impress each other with your ability to copy some dumb skank you saw in US Magazine.
Please note that if most people had the gusto of Chris Burke, this blog would not exist. I am not making fun of him rather a fan of people doing great things while Douche Bags waste their lives.
PS – I forget the name of Kelly’s boyfriend with the best haircut of all-time – can someone please tell me who it is?
I love Social Media because as Chris Brogan (co-author of Trust Agents) says, it can be a place to build “trust”. As my grandfather always told me, you have to be honest with people to build trust. Well Trust me when I tell you, I love Twitter. I love it because its one of those tools that people forget other people they don’t know can read. I love how honest people are, how they put their pictures, real names and real stupidity on display.
Case Study #1
Twitter Name: Agent Vagina or @whorified
Facebook Name: Chewy.tit
From @whorified’s bio : Enjoys Writing & Singing (that’s cool – an artist), HTML, web/graphic design(with a geeky side), german cars (bit different but cool), computers, reading (geek again), sex, & ganja (what – did the BMW driving, yodeler who likes to program in C++ just close with some sex and weed).
Is she kidding? It’s one thing to be the weird Twitter hooker but to have your real name associated with Agent Vagina (my nickname in high school), Chewy Tit (my nickname at work) and sex & ganja as 2 things I “also” enjoy is Mastercard priceless.
As expected, Fox News is riding the hype wave surrounding young Falcon Heene better know as Balloon Boy. They have purchased the rights to make a documentary on the Heene family and in the telegraph move of the century cast Doug Benson as Balloon Knot (Falcon’s Dad). For those of you not familiar with Balloon Knot, it is a phrase used to describe the look of the anus. Next time you have hold of a blown up balloon, take a look at the ring above where the knot is formed. It looks like an arse hole. The brownness obviously comes from the color of shit. This “shit” color is the same terminology that much of America uses to describe the BB story, Benson’s talent and my feces.
Who are you and where are you from? My name is Jason Burke but I have been referred to by many as “what a f*ckin a**hole,” “did you just sh*t on my chest?” and “Sal Paolantonio” I hail from Bristol, Connecticut…where heroin and fast food reign supreme. What’s the story behind Punching Llamas? Well first, I [... […]
Dear Douche, Can you please tell me why you are wearing sunglasses inside the bar? It’s not sunny and your not outside. Please know that everyone in here is laughing at you and calling you a total douche. I realize you have a little dick and no balls but the glasses only tells [...]
Please note that if most people had the gusto of Chris Burke, this blog would not exist. I am not making fun of him rather a fan of people doing great things while Douche Bags waste their lives. PS – I forget the name of Kelly’s boyfriend with the best haircut of all-time – can [...]
I love Social Media because as Chris Brogan (co-author of Trust Agents) says, it can be a place to build “trust”. As my grandfather always told me, you have to be honest with people to build trust. Well Trust me when I tell you, I love Twitter. I love it because its [...]
