I would like to apologize now for what I will do to you tonight. Yes, its that day of the year. It’s the Victoria Secret’s Fashion Show or as you know may know it – Hell Night. Please forgive me as I know not what I do. I am currently on beer #4 and plan on popping some Vikes to help delay the happy ending to the show. I also want to let you know that its not my fault – CBS made me do it and no calling the CSI lab this time – we won’t need a blacklight to figure out what happened.
Take it easy,
My hand
PS – Heidi Klum is a Hall-of-Famer Boner Queen – pray that she does not spend much time on the screen.
1. Can the world go back to spinning on its correct axis?
2. Can someone please turn things back to normal?
3.When did this all happen? How did it all happen at once?
4.How did the economy collapse……this bad?
5.How does Wall St. “crash” then “select” companies STILL get HUGE chunks of cash?
6.Why are the wars are still going on?
7.What is Lady Gaga and why is this thing popular?
8. How did the “News” become a bunch of asshole’s opinion?
People….listen to the words….IT’S THEIR OPINION……NOT FACT!!!!!
9. When did it become okay to “code” every single fucking thing in the world?
Did it really start with the New Kids on the Block? (NKOTB) ???? Now we have NSF (Not Safe for Work) GMA (Good Morning America….and by the way, really?) DWTS (Dancing with the Stars) LOL and all of its counterparts, etc.. The list goes on and on and on and on! JUST FUCKING WRITE THE WORDS OUT!!!!!!
10. Why are humans so stupid?
The new thing is a utter lack of patience. I mean zero patience. The new trend is that if something lasts for more than 6 months people change their mind. Healthcare? Yes, reform and change it !!!!!……oh wait, it’s taking longer than 6 months to change it? Its on the news all the time? Oh well, I am sick of it now. DONT CHANGE IT! OBAMA IS EVIL!
Now people are also disbelieving in Global Warming? Apparently this is now is a “hoax” because the movie “The Day After Tomorrow” hasn’t happened yet and people are sick of the name. “Hey it’s snowing out, that global warming shit is a crock.” “Yeah, doesn’t seem to be gettin any warmer to me!” ….fucking retards. How bout we just call it the “Hey you stupid assholes, pollute less…like, a lot less, so that out children still have an “outdoors” initiative.” Would people understand then?
11. How did it get this bad? Do you know that the Cookie Monster on Sesame Street is now a fucking vegetarian? Did you know that? I am not lying. Cookies are now only “sometimes food.” Yeah, watch this shit with your kids or when your really stoned one day. Its FUCKING RIDICULOUS!!!!! He’s the fucking COOKIE MONSTER!!!!!!!! Now they got the poor bastard eating veggies and tofu and shit. Seriously how and when did we get HERE?
12.Sarah Palin. I think that is all I have to type.
Can someone please turn the regular channel back on? Just go back to some form of sanity! PLEASE!
Like the rest America, I have been watching Mad Men and started to think of when the era of drinking at the work place stopped. Having spent time on the agency side and at a newspaper, I might have a little experience in the area. While I am no Don Draper, I have peddled a little BS and might have tasted the bourbon on the company clock. I did a quick memory scan of what commercials may have been produced under the guidance of a drunken production staff and think I have identified the winner for the award of “most likely to have been sauced when we came up this idea”.
Picture this – The year in 198X, the whole team is drunk, high and with 30 minutes before the Budweiser pitch, Ad exec 1 looks at the company dog and has an epiphany. Put glasses on the dog, tell everyone the dog is a total pussy hound who loves to party – BANG – Spuds McKenzie was born.
Now think about this. Some asshole from Budweiser corporate creative is told this concept, expresses interest, sells his company on the concept and is not fired or drug tested, produces a series of commercials, promotions and garbage all around a weed-induced idea.
I think I may have just solved the mystery about what the Bud in Budweiser is all about (hayo)
Celebrity guest post from a real douche Richard Wildwood – Cultural commentator, person of interest and enabler. Follow him @ twitter.com/RichardWildwood.
From time to time I encounter little moments in life that remind me just how much of a chubby-douche I was in middle school. A few examples include fat kids, 7-11, skaters, and that asshole Colton Willet who experienced full puberty at age 12 – 8th grade girls used to pay a buck to see his junk. However a quick read through the newspaper recently really hit home, stirring all those shitty memories of me building a fort by myself and hiding fruit roll-ups from the imaginary friends whom I convinced my mom had helped me build the plywood shit stack in the first place.
What I discovered in the pages between an article on swine flu and a Chris Brown’s highly anticipated self defense book was a story on a new game being played by all the middle schoolers called “snap” using the 80’s-era jelly bracelets. Here’s how it’s played. Boys and girls wear a collection of multi-colored jelly bracelets that each stand for a different sexual act they’ve either already preformed, or are willing to perform. Green is a make out, blue is a BJ, purple is an HJ, yellow is dry-doing-it and brown is…well you can figure out brown on your own. Then, as the kids are congregating in the hallways, lunchrooms and playgrounds, they try and “snap” the bracelets off each other. If the bracelet is successfully “snapped,” then the snapper and the snappee have to perform the corresponding sexual act. Take a minute to pause on just how brilliant that is. Can you think of a better way for tween kids to discover their sexuality than this?
Had “snap” been accessible to me all those years ago, then I wouldn’t have had to stage an elaborate knife-fight of passion with Hector (imaginary) over the love of one Kelly Winslow (not imaginary). Instead of pretending to consummate our love in front of Hector on the fruit roll-up wrapper strewn floor of my shitty fort, I could have snapped her bracelet, made out with her and proven just how not chubby and awesome I really was. Fuck Colton and his man-like private area! Those attributes mean absolutely nothing to the participants of “snap.” The point being that for those less gifted middle schoolers who’s physical challenges keep them from getting any action beyond honing one’s masturbation techniques, “snap” is a godsend.
Sadly, as the article concluded I soon discovered that “snap” had drawn the ire of parents reluctant to have their kids sexual experimentation so well organized. All these forward thinking kids did was add a little structure to getting past first, second and third base, as well as eliminating the pointless foreplay which is a quick way to get busted before you ever have a chance to start. And for that, their jelly bracelets have been prohibited from school campus, punishable by expulsion on the spot. I suppose letting them continue to idolize a 15-year old actress from Gossip Girl that dresses like the Sunset hooker from the 70’s is a far healthier pastime. Better they damage their fragile self image for life that gain any sort of self worth from having succeeded in giving or receiving oral sex before entering high school. Now that’s some street cred.
Who are you and where are you from?
My name is Jason Burke but I have been referred to by many as “what a f*ckin a**hole,” “did you just sh*t on my chest?” and “Sal Paolantonio” I hail from Bristol, Connecticut…where heroin and fast food reign supreme.
What’s the story behind Punching Llamas?
Well first, I figured that if I were to ever physically assault an animal it would have to be a llama. They’re stubborn, they spit at you and one of them killed my little brother at petting zoo in ‘93. Secondly, Caddyshack & Bill Murray are my two favorite things on this planet so it’s a bit of an homage to Carl’s life-changing speech.
What’s your favorite joke?
My own or in general? For a d-bag you sure aren’t very descriptive. Wait, are d-bags generally known for that? Shut up, I hate you. I don’t think I’ve found one joke of mine that I consider a favorite because they’re constantly evolving, but the front-runner involves an authority figure, retribution & rape.
Are you funny ha ha or funny queer?
To the best of my knowledge, I haven’t “slept” with another a man but I couldn’t be any more funny queer than I am right now.
Who are your comedic influences?
I’ve never been the cleanest comic and I’m fairly loud, but I do appreciate a dry sense of humor. Louis CK, Bill Burr, Mitch Hedberg & Todd Barry are a few comedians I try to draw from.
Why are you not a hack?
Don’t put words in my mouth motherfucker.
What’s your top comedic moment?
This would have to be the first time I performed for a crowd of actual people and not just a room full of bitter comics at an open mic. I mean the people didn’t laugh either but at least I got a hand job afterwards. From myself.
Ever bombed on stage?
Have I ever. The first time really isn’t the worst, it’s the first time it happens when you’re drunk that’s the toughest. Because then you get angry. And with anger comes violence and public urination, both happening before you’ve finished your set. True story.
Where can we see you next?
Jason is currently relocating and restructuring his “Punch Your Face! Comedy Series” so stay tuned to www.punchingllamas.com for the latest developments. In the mean time, I can be seen being a hack-schmuck at either the Sunday or Monday night’s Ochi’s Motel @Comix and the ever popular Wednesday night Comedy Show, “Haiku,” located at 76 E 1st St.
Lastly, how much of a raging D-Bag are you?
Hmmm… Well I have allowed, on more than one occasion, many large, african-american men to CONSENSUALLY have their way with the woman of their choosing in my roommate’s bed. While he slept in it. Does that qualify?
We wear our sunglasses at night and have low sperm cell counts
Dear Douche,
Can you please tell me why you are wearing sunglasses inside the bar? It’s not sunny and your not outside. Please know that everyone in here is laughing at you and calling you a total douche. I realize you have a little dick and no balls but the glasses only tells me you are have self-esteem issues and/or have been listening to The Game on audiobook as I know you are “turtle” group reader.
You are not interesting and the Ed Hardy shirt is not helping.
Please consider taking them off as you are ruining my buzz.
Thanks,
The DBJ
PS – Girls – you also are getting close to pissing me off with the size of your dumb glasses – stop trying to impress each other with your ability to copy some dumb skank you saw in US Magazine.
Dear Penis, I would like to apologize now for what I will do to you tonight. Yes, its that day of the year. It’s the Victoria Secret’s Fashion Show or as you know may know it – Hell Night. Please forgive me as I know not what I do. [...]
A Rant from Donnie Bagley HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? 1. Can the world go back to spinning on its correct axis? 2. Can someone please turn things back to normal? 3.When did this all happen? How did it all happen at once? 4.How did the economy collapse……this bad? 5.How does Wall St. “crash” then “select” companies STILL get HUGE c […]
Like the rest America, I have been watching Mad Men and started to think of when the era of drinking at the work place stopped. Having spent time on the agency side and at a newspaper, I might have a little experience in the area. While I am no Don Draper, I have [...]
Celebrity guest post from a real douche Richard Wildwood – Cultural commentator, person of interest and enabler. Follow him @ twitter.com/RichardWildwood. From time to time I encounter little moments in life that remind me just how much of a chubby-douche I was in middle school. A few examples include fat kids, 7-11, skaters, and [...]
